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During her prime time from 1997 to 2002, HJ admitted she felt a bit self-conceited for shooting to stardom and fame. But she also felt lost for working non-stop and without any rest. "At that time, I felt very tired. I shot three dramas and hosted two programmes at the same time. I had four to five trips per day and could only sleep for one to two hours a day without any rest. This kind of life lasted for about 3 years. One day my agent told me that he never saw a workaholic like me: 'Either I give up on you or you give up on me!' I didn't know what was wrong with me and some people would think that I was rude. I started to hear bad comments and rumours about me. My agent obba asked me about the rumours. I felt very angry because someone so close to me was questioning about me and the validity of the rumours. I felt I was being wronged and maybe too much anger surged up within me that my nose was bleeding at both sides."
"Maybe I complained about my tiredness too much that some people thought I was self-conceited. Even my agent felt tired and couldn't stand the pressure. I started to feel lost without knowing what I was doing. 'Who am I?' I asked myself, 'An actor, or just an entertainer?' 'What I am doing this for?...Then I was unhappy about my performance in The Land. I thought I was not good enough. I started to hate seeing myself on TV and question whether the audience still want to see my acting. Like some kind of a self-punishment, I told myself that I didn't qualify to perform in front of the viewers and I'd better disappear. Therefore I took a long break for two years. But looking back, that seemed to be a wrong decision because the more I feel lost about myself the harder I should work. That should be the right attitude. When you stop moving forward, it feels as if time has also stopped."
Host: How to overcome that difficult period?
HJ: At that time I received the script of Insoo is Beautiful. I was impressed by the first few lines: 'It's fine. It's fine. Insoo is beautiful. Insoo is kind. Insoo is lovely.' To overcome my depression mood swings, I kept repeating those lines. It seemed like the story of myself. It seemed to tell me that I should take this drama because if I performed this role I could be beautiful like her. Indeed, when I was shooting the drama I knew how to treasure myself and became more beautiful.
About Park Yong Ha: I feel pain whenever I think of him. He was my first friend in the entertainment industry since we were at the same age and started our careers at almost the same time. He was the leading man of my first movie. We have all gone through difficult times in life. When I feel down, there are always people around extending a helping hand to me. And I thought that if there could be at least one person offering words of comfort to him, the whole thing would not have happended. He was my friend but I failed to do that. I blame myself for failing to do that. Why I failed to offer help to him? I didn't take my initiative to contact him, maybe due to my unnecessary pride. I feel pain whenever I think of this.
Host: Then your father died.
HJ (holding back tears): He died within a week after that (the death of Park). I feel like I've never really poured out my heart to love him. I still feel regret for this too. We had so little time being together since I was young because he had been busy making a living. It would be better if I could give him more love since he wouldn't be able to be with me forever. Why I couldn't be able to do that? I really feel regret about this (wiping away her tears).
PS: HJ's father bought the first guitar to HJ when she was young. She begged her father to buy her one when hearing how the brother next door played it. Born into a humble family, at that time guitar was quite a luxury thing to them. Her father said in the beginning he couldn't afford it, but one day he, in a drunken state, finally carried the guitar to her. HJ treasured the guitar very much and since then she keeps practising guitar.
About charity work
Host: You engage in charity work in order to forget about your sadness?
HJ: In the beginning I wanted to heal my soul. But then I've started to find happiness and the value of my existence in the process (of the charity work). I'm perhaps a little bit selfish because I've done it for my own sake. But I really believe that only when you feel happiness yourself can you be able to help more people. That's my belief.
Host: Lately you like to show off your knitting skill. Is it some kind of a strategy to show that you are a good wife candidate?
HJ: It is a misunderstanding for so many times indeed, but it is not the case. I like to engage in things that involve my hands, such as playing puzzles and models. It's not a strategy that I want to show off my ladylike charm.
Host: You have a boyfriend?
HJ: I don't have any now.
Host: Final question! What are you dreaming to do in the near future?
HJ: For whatever things, I hope I can do it with the one who loves me and the one I love together. I hope I can be living happily with content and gratefully with him.
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